TITANIC...The shortened version ! LOL !
Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE:
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
Aha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
Thank you. So are you.
I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks
people start dying.
Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee,
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my
character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly
into the water.
BOO! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus,
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and
But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 23, so we are
his side. BOO!)
I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you
could cheat on your fiance.
So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat
car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of
movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this,
they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same
thing to me.
Darn straight we would! MOO! Er, BOO!
I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
have to take off your clothes.
But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the fundamentalist audiences might
stand for that sort of thing?
I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell
According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
Great, I could use some ice for my drink.
(sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
That can't be good.
That was irony, you fools.
BAA! MOO! Where's Leonardo?
I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
That is terrible.
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
Certainly. I'm always eager.
(aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to
Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less-
than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a
that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are
which I believe has been mentioned previously.
Why don't you just shoot me?
Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
Don't spoil it for us!! The tension is killing us.
He's right, though. I am doomed.
Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
I hate you people.
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for
having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not
frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath...
down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt! You kids today,with your
music. Why, when I was- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-
Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the
with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play horrible ear screeching Celine Dion
I was crying at the end of this movie...
I really was...
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~KEEPING THE SPIRIT ALIVE~