Overcoming the Obsession:

A Twelve Step Guide To Beating Titanic Addiction.

Step 1: Admit the problem.

Step 2: See another movie, any movie, thatís playing in a theater where Titanic isnít. If the other movie is playing in the same theater as Titanic, though, it doesn't count if you poke your head in to see what scene Titanic is on).

Step 3: Physically remove your "Titanic" CD from your CD player. If you stop after you remove it and lay it on top of your CD player without putting it back in it's case, it doesn't count. You must take out the CD and put it back in it's case. If you don't put the case away with the rest of your CDs, it also doesn't count. You actually have to TAKE THE CD OUT OF YOUR CD PLAYER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE YOU BOUGHT IT, PUT THE CD IN IT'S CASE, THEN PUT THE CASE (WITH CD ENCLOSED) AWAY WITH THE REST OF YOUR CDs.

Step 4: Take your MHWGO remix tape out of your car stereo. You should apply all of the above to removing the tape from your car...remove tape, put tape in case, put case (with tape enclosed) away, at least in your glove box!

Step 5: Have an entire conversation with someone who has not seen the movie (doesn't count if you ask "How can you live with yourself?" or invite them to see it with you).

Step 6: Not THINKING about TITANIC while having an entire conversation with someone who hasn't seen the film...breathe deeply several times throughout the conversation and try to really concentrate on understanding what the person is saying to you. Try not to answer with any quotes from "Titanic"...for example, if they ask "What do you want to do Saturday night?" DON'T blurt out "Are you ready to go back to TITANIC"?

Step 7: This one applies only if you own a copy of a TITANIC book, preferably "James Cameron's 'TITANIC,í" which every Titaniac either does own or plans to own. You must let someone (ANYONE) else HANDLE THIS BOOK!!!! Yes, that's right, let them pick it up and turn the pages and read it, hold it, close it, open it...you get the picture. And it doesn't count if you "inspect" it after they put it down; you have to just let it lie where they put it without checking for creases and smudges...

Step 8: Take your tape with the Titanic episode of Oprah, the Fox special, the Titanic episode of Hollywood & Vinyl, all the talk shows that had Kate, Leo, and/or Billy on, and assorted newscasts about Titanic on it out of your VCR (doesn't count if you simply eject the tape and leave it in the VCR; it must be removed in the manner described in steps 3 & 4).

Step 9: You must learn to walk away from your computer without watching your TITANIC screensaver from start to finish and you must relinquish the guilt you feel once you are able to do this. Probably the best way to accomplish this is to repeat to yourself..."I can quit any time I want" every time the screensaver starts. Breathing deeply, close your eyes, stand up and turn away from your PC. Continue breathing and repeating to yourself, "I can quit any time I want" while walking away from the screen, no matter which part the screensaver is on. Practice walking further away from your PC each time the screensaver comes on, breathing and chanting and facing away from the computer until you are eventually able to actually leave the room while the screensaver is running. Once you have come this far, design a mantra to help alleviate the guilt caused by not watching the screensaver from start to finish. A good mantra might be "I'm a good person...I love my screensaver...we have a wonderful loving relationship, my screensaver and I...but I deserve time to myself" or something along those lines...

Step 10: You must learn not to check all your bookmarked Titanic pages every time you get online. Or (gasp!) even delete a few of them. In both cases, you must learn to do so without feeling extremely guilty and e-mailing the webmaster, telling them it is nothing personal.

Step 11: Learn to read the newspaper all over again and not just the box office figures on Friday!!!!!!!!! Since you are on the eleventh step of recovery now, many obstacles have been removed from your path and you should be able to slowly and tentatively re-enter the "real world" and learn what is going on it all over again!!!

Step 12: Admit itís only a movie.


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